"Why? Why HER? She was a minister of your word, she was GOOD!" I was thankful that the cemetery is so secluded and the police were not called to report a crazy woman screaming at God.
It could be the guilt I feel in not protecting her from death. It could be the guilt I feel for every time I failed her as a parent. Maybe it's because I know she wouldn't want me to be sad. Whatever the case, "I'm sorry." is what I say to her every day.
I'm sorry that I will never see her again.
I'm sorry that she will never get married and have babies.
I'm sorry she will never grow old.
I'm sorry she will never experience the life I wanted her to.
So many things I'm sorry for.
I try to put a positive spin on my sorrow and tell myself that where she's at, she's surrounded by peace and love and that beats anything she would ever experience on earth. On another level, I call bullshit.
I want her to grow old.
I want to see what her babies would have looked like.
I want to look into the eyes of 40, 50, 60 year old Noelle.
That's just me being selfish, maybe that's what I'm sorry for.
Today walking down the hall at work, I thought of, "The Dance". I can't decide if that's true. My first thought was-if I would have known Noelle would be taken from me like this-I would have chosen to never have her. The 18 years of love and laughter was not worth the pain I'm feeling now. That's me being selfish again.
I find that when I see pictures of Noelle when she was a baby or young girl, I smile and have happy memories, but the ones I see of her as a 16, 17, or 18 year old bring me to tears. I can't stand looking at pictures of her knowing I'm not going to flip to the next one and see how she's aged.
Seeing her in her cap and gown reminds me of how cruel life can be.
I'm all over the place emotionally today, but as a great friend keeps telling me...there's nothing to be sorry for. I just wish I felt that as strongly as she does.