"OK, I'm going to have to come get some money from you to buy them. What flavor of ice cream do you want in yours?"
"Ummm, ice cream? You don't put ice cream in snow cones."
"They do at BJ's. So what kind do you want?"
I went on to explain that ice cream in snow cones sounded gross so I would take mine plain.
She came to the house with Parker to get money. I was still recovering from my hysterectomy and on the couch in my pajamas. She brought my snow cone, sans ice cream...and I never saw her again.
Whatever the case, the snow cone was delicious and her smile was amazing.
She hung out with Parker that night. I was trying to give her as much freedom and fun as I could because she was about to go to church camp. I didn't want her to go to camp. On numerous occasions, I asked her to stay home with me for the summer.
"You are about to go to college and be away from Mommie for a long time, are you sure you want to go?"
"Yes, I want to go. I love it there. Don't be sad, Mommie, I will be back."
But the Red River flooded. Church Camp was postponed. I was happy. I had my daughter for a while longer, so I thought. But fate intervened, she stayed home (what I wanted) and took that fateful walk on June 5th.
Innocently, she walked out the door, never to return. Just a casual walk down memory lane that effected so many lives.
Everyone who knew and loved Noelle were hurt that day. I do not suffer alone, but I alone try to ease their burdens. Parker...who misses her person.
Maranda...plagued by survivors guilt.
Jack and Lilli, my Mom, my brother and sister...the list goes on and on. I want to take all of their pain away. I can't. I don't know how. I don't think there is a "how".
We miss her. We loved her so much. Her life ending was such a waste. Some days I am very angry about that. I look at my own life and say, "God, why not me?" My Mom tells me...because her work here was done. She was here to serve a purpose and she fulfilled that purpose. I don't understand that reasoning. She had so much more life to live.
Some days I am self centered and think, 'Why did you give ME this girl and then take her away?' But it's not just about me. Noelle wasn't only "mine". She belonged to all of us...and we are all grieving right now...we are all thinking back to those last memories of her.
I have to admit, yesterday was a terrible day for me. I cried. I grieved. I had a really shitty conversation with God. I wanted to turn back time. I wanted to be in this place a year ago and hold on to her and not let her go. Finally, I came to the realization that for whatever reason, she had to go. And I have to accept it.
I have to go on....keep moving forward...and I will. For her. I will not dishonor my daughter by not continuing to live and love life. But oh how I wish she were here. I hate how yesterday, one year ago, was the last day that I saw her beautiful face, heard her laugh.
Ice cream in a snow cone...WTF?