Now that my "beautiful day" is almost over though, it hurts. IT HURTS, IT HURTS, IT HURTS! Isn't that the shits? How can a memory be such a blessing and a curse at the same time? I was so grateful this morning to listen to her joke with me on video, but now I want MORE. More jokes, more laughter, more Noelle.
I smiled and shared this song with friends this morning. Tonight it is fucking killing me. It is not a beautiful day, Jamie Grace, you bitch. It is a shit eating, mother fucking, suck ass day. And I want her back! I don't want her living through me, I want her to LIVE! I want to hear her voice every day, not once a year when a video* pops up on Facebook memories. I don't want her to be a memory. Do you hear me? I don't want her to be a memory! I don't want...I don't want...I don't want...I don't...I...
I guess it doesn't matter what I want. Grief doesn't give a shit. It just comes and goes and twists my emotions any which way IT wants.
And now...I feel better. Thank God I have this outlet, this way to write out what I'm feeling to purge my grief. In just a few paragraphs, I can put my thoughts down on paper (so to speak) and they are no longer swimming in my head drowning me.
It is still a suck ass day...but in a beautiful way.
*you can watch the video here:
This may be one of the most random, bi-polar, illogical blogs I have ever posted, Bare with me, I'm walking through my grief. and grief doesn't make sense. It doesn't come with a manual, it isn't logical, and it damn sure isn't a walk in the park.
I'm so grateful to have you walk with me, even momentarily, even if it is no more than you liking this post. That is you walking with me. That is you helping me spread awareness of my daughter; helping me spread awareness that all kinds of emotions are natural and normal where grief is concerned, maybe even helping spread awareness that I am fucking crazy and people should stay away from me. (That was a joke, I am not crazy...I just feel that way sometimes...like now...I'm feeling pretty fucking crazy right now)
I don't even know how to end this post. I just keep writing more shit making myself seem less sane. Whatevs.