Holding her infant took me back to late night feedings with Noelle. She didn't know it, but I cried as I rocked her and sang her the songs I use to sing to my babies. In the dim lighting, with her dark hair and perfect little mouth, she was Noelle, if only for a few minutes. Unknowingly, I was transported back in time, and I desperately need that at that moment.
As I put the baby in her crib, the tears became peaceful joyful tears. That baby was a reminder that life moves forward, and as it does, life still lets you visit the past. Re-experience things you never thought you would.
Last week, Kelsey joined Noelle in Heaven. Like Noelle, she left this world too soon. The unfairness of it makes me angry. When I heard the news, I broke down. I wanted to throw something, hit something, scream. Instead, I sat down to write and let the memory of the one time I met her wash over me.
Ironically, her step-mom, having never met me, had read my blog, "The Dead Mother's Club". She told me how much that post had touched her. When I heard of Kelsey's passing, I wondered if the happenstance of her reading that and meeting me was pre-destined. Was it preparing her for her own tragedy? That thought destroyed me. It made me feel guilty, like somehow I had brought death to Kelsey's door. Which is stupid and irrational, but that is how my mind works.
A friend of mine told me after Noelle died, "You are not the first mother to lose her child, but you are the first one of us to lose one. It could happen to any of us, and if it does, you will be there to guide us through the process. You will help us heal." Her words were meant to be comforting, but I don't want that job. I don't want to comfort "Dead Mothers" I don't want to walk people through their grief. I want people to stop fucking dying. Especially young people who have their whole lives ahead of them.
When I contacted Kelsey's family, all I could say was FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCKEDITY FUCK! There are no words. Nothing I can say to make them feel better-nothing I can do to ease their pain.
So I cried. I cried for Kelsey, I cried for her family, I cried for her daughters. I cried over the injustice of it. I cried because two more women joined The Dead Mother's Club against their will.