Because you are so hungry, even though you don't realize it, you sleep a lot. You have no energy. Your hair is falling out in huge clumps (on those days you bother showering). Your brain is only half-way active, deprived of food and serotonin. Everyday tasks are more difficult. Did you remember to pay the bills? How about the dogs? No, there's a pee spot on the floor, you forgot, again. Better to go back to sleep. Sleeping is easy and you are SO tired. Maybe today in your dreams, you will see her. And you drift off again. Away from the madness of everyday life. Away from the dirty dishes and laundry and responsibilities of life. In sleep, you can see your daughter. You can see her in all stages of life. Infancy, toddlerhood, school age, her high school graduation. Although the dreams leave you feeling just as dead as she, at least you are together. And because she is looking out for you, even in death, she reminds you to eat.
You promise yourself you will do better and sometimes you do. Sometimes you eat every day for a whole week. Your jeans are starting to fit again. Then something happens, a minor set back, a bad day...and you are back where you started. Doing the bare minimum to survive the next 24 hours, scaring your kids with your mental absence, not leaving the house for a week at a time. Laying in hopelessness and despair. "Surviving" on nicotine, caffeine, and anger. Slowly killing yourself, starving your body, mind, and soul.
Deep down, you know this. You are aware of this drawn out form of suicide, but are unable to stop. The people closest to you express their concern with carefully veiled words as to not upset you. You all pretend. You all wait for the "good" days, hoping one good day will continue into the next. Maybe a good day will turn into a good week, a good month. This "life" has become your new normal. Only it's far from normal and far from life.
You wake from a fitful sleep and jot these thoughts down, wondering if you should share them. Not for sympathy, but for the others out there who are experiencing these same feelings. You are not alone.
Your destiny has not been fulfilled...it waits for you to wake and feed it.
And you will. Not necessarily in your timing, but when the time is right.
When you are hungry, you will eat.