Some of my fears are unfounded and a bit silly-hello-mouse phobia! I once packed up my daughter and went to my Granny's house for a week because I saw a mouse in my kitchen. Every day, I would send my brother to my house to check the trap. I didn't go home until the mouse was dead.
Let's not even talk about my fear of birds. They are creepy evil creatures!
As the kids grew older and I started to feel more comfortable...like I've got this motherhood thing figured out...these are good kids, I am providing them with a good life and they are safe...nothing bad will happen to them..my world was turned upside down.
Something bad happened. I just thought I knew what fear was.
Now, every day I feel like I am sending my kids into a battlefield. There are land mines everywhere and one misstep, one bad decision could kill them.
The bus could wreck on the way to or from school or some fucked up kid could bring a gun.
I want to keep them in the house with me at all times. The only place we are safe is THIS house. I don't want them to be in a car, even if I am the driver, because there are other drivers on the road and they may be impaired, or texting, or distracted. Even I can't keep them safe...all illusions of safety died with Noelle.
But keeping them home is not healthy. So I let them go...and push the panic away. I can't make them become teenage recluses because I am afraid.
L asked to go to the lake with a friend this weekend. From the moment I said "yes", my brain became filled with images of the boating accident she was bound to be in. She knew to check in with me frequently. Text me when she got on the boat, text when she got back to land, text before bed and when she woke up in the morning. It has to be tiring for her to have a mother that worries so much.
Likewise, J wanted to go get a sno cone. Just a short drive down the road, but "just down the road" is danger. Before they even had time to get there and back I was calling. "Where are you? Are you okay? When will you be home?" Because the whole time he was gone, all I could think about was a crashed truck and a sno cone cup dripping out the remains of Tiger's Blood-my son's blood.
I would give anything for my defining fears to be that of a tiny mouse or a harmless bird. Those are "little" fears. Seeing a mouse isn't going to destroy me, losing another one of my children would.
I keep hoping that one day I will be able to watch J or L walk out the front door without getting a catch in my throat, but I don't know if that is possible anymore. And that is probably, besides the thought of their untimely deaths, what scares me most of all.