"You’re not invisible”, I said. You might wish you were, but I can see you.”
“I know you can, but it takes special eyes to see me.”
The Darkest Child by Delores Phillips
One beautiful day in Oklahoma, I decided to do yard work. Before I could plant the flowers and vegetables, the highlight of my day; I had to mow the yard. Which sounds simple, until I realize the mower is out of gas and I can’t get the cap off of the gas jug.
There is a commonly held theory that there are 5 stages of grief.
There are many adjectives I would (willingly) use to describe myself...short, sarcastic, outspoken, loyal, foul mouthed (I could go on and on), but one I will never (willingly) use is victim. Because even typing that word sucks. Who wants to be labeled a victim?
I want to talk to you today about triggers...and not the horse...although we can talk about horses. They are great therapeutic animals, braiding their manes, riding them...unless they buck you off when you try to drunkenly climb on their back and you break your ass...or in medical terms...coccyx...true story. It happened. And it hurt...for a long time. I don't recommend it. The combing and braiding of hair I fully support though.
Tonight I couldn't sleep. No new thing. So I watched TV. A movie. Pitch Perfect 3. Who doesn't love Fat Amy? And music? Pitch Perfect (the first one) was amazing. So amazing they made two more. But the second one....I didn't watch. I've posted about this before. That was the last movie Noelle saw in the theatre.
When I've gone too many days without eating, dreams of food awaken me. Sometimes, it's Taco Bueno or What-A-Burger; others, it's Sushi or a lavish buffet where I'm stuffing my face with everything imaginable while wearing a formal evening gown. (why the evening gown? I suppose I like to be fancy, even when I sleep) I know on those days, I HAVE to eat.
My life and the lives of my family were forever changed on June 5, 2015 when my daughter, Noelle Nicole New, became the victim of a hit and run. Although this statement is supposed to be about the impact on me, let me first talk about the impact on her. The following is an excerpt from an essay she wrote:
I have been waiting two years and six months to face the people who killed my daughter and speak openly to them. I say people, I don't want to name names because I don't want to get sued. I think I will just go ahead and say Gage and Dakota Shriver. They were found guilty in September 2017. Their sentencing date is December 8th, 2017. The jury recommended 25 years on the murder charges, plus a few additional years on the lesser charges. So round it out to 30 years for my daughter's life. I'm pretty sure Noelle would have lived more than 30 years, so they are getting a bye.
I'm using sports analogy right now, because we all know she was a Sooner's fan. I hate football. Never watched a game, but my daughter loved football and the Sooners, so I have to mention them.
Since the trial, I have had a lot of mixed feelings. I would like to think that those feelings make me human.
I am angry at the people that killed my daughter. Her death was not fair and should not have happened. I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to come to terms with it...but, yeah I can't. I'm pissed. I am one angry momma
But I have also been a scared momma. How are you both? I have nightmares every night that the judge will reduce their sentence, And nightmares where I am with them in jail. I am the mother than buried her daughter and the mother that watched her children go away in handcuffs.
It fucking sucks to be me.
Friday, December the 8th, I will face them. I will finally be able to say what I have been thinking for the past 2 years. My victim impact statement is long. But, I have so many other words...