There are many adjectives I would (willingly) use to describe myself...short, sarcastic, outspoken, loyal, foul mouthed (I could go on and on), but one I will never (willingly) use is victim. Because even typing that word sucks. Who wants to be labeled a victim?
I want to talk to you today about triggers...and not the horse...although we can talk about horses. They are great therapeutic animals, braiding their manes, riding them...unless they buck you off when you try to drunkenly climb on their back and you break your ass...or in medical terms...coccyx...true story. It happened. And it hurt...for a long time. I don't recommend it. The combing and braiding of hair I fully support though.
Tonight I couldn't sleep. No new thing. So I watched TV. A movie. Pitch Perfect 3. Who doesn't love Fat Amy? And music? Pitch Perfect (the first one) was amazing. So amazing they made two more. But the second one....I didn't watch. I've posted about this before. That was the last movie Noelle saw in the theatre.
When I've gone too many days without eating, dreams of food awaken me. Sometimes, it's Taco Bueno or What-A-Burger; others, it's Sushi or a lavish buffet where I'm stuffing my face with everything imaginable while wearing a formal evening gown. (why the evening gown? I suppose I like to be fancy, even when I sleep) I know on those days, I HAVE to eat.
My life and the lives of my family were forever changed on June 5, 2015 when my daughter, Noelle Nicole New, became the victim of a hit and run. Although this statement is supposed to be about the impact on me, let me first talk about the impact on her. The following is an excerpt from an essay she wrote:
I have been waiting two years and six months to face the people who killed my daughter and speak openly to them. I say people, I don't want to name names because I don't want to get sued. I think I will just go ahead and say Gage and Dakota Shriver. They were found guilty in September 2017. Their sentencing date is December 8th, 2017. The jury recommended 25 years on the murder charges, plus a few additional years on the lesser charges. So round it out to 30 years for my daughter's life. I'm pretty sure Noelle would have lived more than 30 years, so they are getting a bye.
I'm using sports analogy right now, because we all know she was a Sooner's fan. I hate football. Never watched a game, but my daughter loved football and the Sooners, so I have to mention them.
Since the trial, I have had a lot of mixed feelings. I would like to think that those feelings make me human.
I am angry at the people that killed my daughter. Her death was not fair and should not have happened. I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to come to terms with it...but, yeah I can't. I'm pissed. I am one angry momma
But I have also been a scared momma. How are you both? I have nightmares every night that the judge will reduce their sentence, And nightmares where I am with them in jail. I am the mother than buried her daughter and the mother that watched her children go away in handcuffs.
It fucking sucks to be me.
Friday, December the 8th, I will face them. I will finally be able to say what I have been thinking for the past 2 years. My victim impact statement is long. But, I have so many other words...
Noelle's trial started on September 18, 2017. At the end of the day, a jury of seven women and five men were seated. It is unlikely that I will ever see these twelve people again, but I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart; they found Gage and Dakota Shriver guilty of manslaughter and murder and recommended a sentence of 25 years, plus a few additional years for the lesser charges. Formal sentencing from the judge will be on December 8, 2017.
I am trying to process everything that transpired during the two weeks of hell that was my daughter's trial. I don't know that I will ever be able to rid myself of the emotional damage sitting in that courtroom caused me. I haven't written about the trial because I still don't know how I feel. I am putting Band-Aids on the wounds. Words are such powerful weapons...they can carry almost as much force as a truck. Every single word uttered in that courtroom by the defense hurt me. The impact of the lies, at times, took my breath away. I spent every day of the trial trying not to throw up and every night staring into space...numb.
Limbo. I was never good at that game. I'm just not flexible enough. As soon as the bar gets below waist level, I fall on my ass.
Right now, I feel as if I am participating in the longest game of Limbo ever as I wait for my daughter's murder trial to begin.