Today I called Sprint to cancel Noelle’s phone line. I didn’t realize when I placed the call that 10 minutes later I would be sobbing at my desk. I didn’t think it would affect me like it did. It was just a simple business transaction, but having to say the words, “I need to remove a line from my account…” somehow made her death more final.
Since Noelle's been gone, I've formed (in my head), The Dead Mother's Club. It's odd that I call it that because I don't have a dead mother. I have a dead daughter. But for whatever reason, that's what I call it and no, you can't become a member.
Yesterday was the first time I have visited Noelle at the cemetery. As I have told you before, it's beautiful there. On the drive over, I remembered how after my Granny died, Noelle would ask me to take her to Granny's rock. (what she called my Granny's headstone) We would go there together and I would look at the trees in the distance and after awhile, feel peace. I couldn't find peace there yesterday. I sat on "Granny's rock" and cried for my daughter. And then I screamed at God, which is something I have yet to do.
"Why? Why HER? She was a minister of your word, she was GOOD!" I was thankful that the cemetery is so secluded and the police were not called to report a crazy woman screaming at God.