Yesterday we unveiled the bench that the Verdigris School system had built for Noelle. For those who couldn't make it...below are pictures and the speech I made. There is a link to the news article here. It felt so good to be able to talk about Noelle's scholarship even though I couldn't hold the tears at bay.
In addition to writing this blog, I have been working on a grief book. Yeah, I'm probably the most unlikely person to help people recover from grief, but I felt led to show people grief and recovery from a non-traditional standpoint. You know, the kind of grief book that says, "fuck" a lot.
When I first started working on this book, four chapters wrote themselves...and then the words stopped.
This last month has been very hard for me. I have been fighting depression something terrible. As usual, I turned to writing to help me cope. I just haven't wanted to post these next few ramblings until I was in a better state of mind. My strategy for dealing with depression: I give myself permission to be depressed. I think a lot of people, when depressed, add to the sadness by heaping on guilt for being depressed. That is the last thing you need, people. Don't punish yourself for an emotion that you have no control over. Don't ask yourself what you are doing wrong to feel this way, don't think you aren't "strong" because you have days when you can't stop crying or get out of bed. Just fucking roll with it. Tomorrow is a new day.
As silly as it sounds, I am grateful for every bout of depression I experience. When I come back out of the dark, the light is so much brighter and I am ten times as grateful for each happy moment. Although I said I allow myself to be depressed, I do not allow myself to stay there. I am always searching for a way to win the fight.
I wrote the following two entries in my journal this last month. I am sharing them with you now because I wanted to give you an example of how I was feeling and how I fought my way through the shadows.
Today some of my friends and I went to the Performing Arts Center to see "Steel Magnolias". It was a beautiful day. I wore a tutu (because all girls should wear a tutu at least once in their lives). My hands shook on the drive...at the restaurant during brunch.
Why would I chose to see a play about a mother losing her daughter?
Am I a glutton for punishment?