Noelle,
I bought you more flowers today, Mums, Pansies, Snapdragons, dianthus, some bush I don't know the name of...fall flowers. We both know the flowers aren't really for you. They are for me. I can see you shaking your head as you watched me plant them, but the flowers are something beautiful for me to look at, to take care of, and watch grow. The flowers are, I guess, a way for me to show my devotion to you.
I bought you more flowers today, Mums, Pansies, Snapdragons, dianthus, some bush I don't know the name of...fall flowers. We both know the flowers aren't really for you. They are for me. I can see you shaking your head as you watched me plant them, but the flowers are something beautiful for me to look at, to take care of, and watch grow. The flowers are, I guess, a way for me to show my devotion to you.
They are also a metaphor of our lives. They all started small-planted with love and tenderness. They have grown over the summer. Some have blossomed and bloomed. Others have died. There were ones I couldn't save, no matter how much love or water I have them (maybe too much water in some cases). Those flowers were not meant to be, but they were mine for a while. And they were beautiful while they lived. Each petal, each leaf brought me so much joy and happiness. There have been moments of frustration, panic, dread, and then the realization...this flower can't grow here. So it died. And I left it in the ground, stared at it daily, remembering the former beauty and...you know what? I suck at metaphors. The fucking flowers are dead and so are you. I don't really give a shit about the dead flowers. Flowers are replaceable. Daughters are not.
I don't know how to accept that you are gone or come to terms with it. My counselor says I am not allowing myself to feel joy or happiness because of my guilt that you are gone while I am still here living, but it's not about me "allowing" myself to do anything. I can't control my thoughts or feelings on missing you.
Am I happy? At times. Yes, I can honestly say that at times I laugh and feel joy. I am trying to get to a place where those times happen more frequently.
People try to console me by saying you're in heaven and it's a better place. I don't want that consolation prize. I want you here with me. I'm selfish like that.
Maybe you knew it and God knows it (that you belonged to him and not me), but I don't want to accept that. YOU BELONGED TO ME! You belonged to Jack, Lilli, you Dad, Amber, Elijah and Lex, Big Mom, Memaw and PawPaw, Parker and Maranda...more people than I can name. We needed you more than God needed you.
And now I'm waiting for the lightening to strike me down, or for my computer to stop working (like you always make it do when I try to bash God). But let me say it-let me get it out...YOU WERE MINE! I am selfish and I want you here with us.
I am so so so angry and I know you are disappointed in me saying you don't belong to God...that you don't belong in Heaven, but guess what? I'm saying it anyway. I'm the mom, that's why.
It's not my guilt that keeps me unhappy, it's my anger. I don't care how many flowers I plant-they aren't you and I can't bring you back and I am angry about it.
I'm also a little bipolar tonight because I started writing and where I went with it was totally not the intention. But I'm glad my thoughts led me to this anger...because it is apparently always simmering under the surface and I need to purge myself of it.
What I wanted to tell you was that I miss you and I love you and I know our lives will go on. They will never be the same, but they will go on and one day your memory will only bring joy. What I found out during the course of writing this is that I am not a poet. I can't write flowery (pardon the pun) shit. So maybe this song can tell you-in nicer language- what I originally wanted to say.
I don't know how to accept that you are gone or come to terms with it. My counselor says I am not allowing myself to feel joy or happiness because of my guilt that you are gone while I am still here living, but it's not about me "allowing" myself to do anything. I can't control my thoughts or feelings on missing you.
Am I happy? At times. Yes, I can honestly say that at times I laugh and feel joy. I am trying to get to a place where those times happen more frequently.
People try to console me by saying you're in heaven and it's a better place. I don't want that consolation prize. I want you here with me. I'm selfish like that.
Maybe you knew it and God knows it (that you belonged to him and not me), but I don't want to accept that. YOU BELONGED TO ME! You belonged to Jack, Lilli, you Dad, Amber, Elijah and Lex, Big Mom, Memaw and PawPaw, Parker and Maranda...more people than I can name. We needed you more than God needed you.
And now I'm waiting for the lightening to strike me down, or for my computer to stop working (like you always make it do when I try to bash God). But let me say it-let me get it out...YOU WERE MINE! I am selfish and I want you here with us.
I am so so so angry and I know you are disappointed in me saying you don't belong to God...that you don't belong in Heaven, but guess what? I'm saying it anyway. I'm the mom, that's why.
It's not my guilt that keeps me unhappy, it's my anger. I don't care how many flowers I plant-they aren't you and I can't bring you back and I am angry about it.
I'm also a little bipolar tonight because I started writing and where I went with it was totally not the intention. But I'm glad my thoughts led me to this anger...because it is apparently always simmering under the surface and I need to purge myself of it.
What I wanted to tell you was that I miss you and I love you and I know our lives will go on. They will never be the same, but they will go on and one day your memory will only bring joy. What I found out during the course of writing this is that I am not a poet. I can't write flowery (pardon the pun) shit. So maybe this song can tell you-in nicer language- what I originally wanted to say.
It's not something I can picture...Me without you...
P.S I love you more.