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A Picture of Me Without You

9/22/2015

5 Comments

 
Noelle,
I bought you more flowers today, Mums, Pansies, Snapdragons, dianthus, some bush I don't know the name of...fall flowers.  We both know the flowers aren't really for you.  They are for me.  I can see you shaking your head as you watched me plant them, but the flowers are something beautiful for me to look at, to take care of, and watch grow.  The flowers are, I guess, a way for me to show my devotion to you. 
They are also a metaphor of our lives.  They all started small-planted with love and tenderness.  They have grown over the summer.  Some have blossomed and bloomed.  Others have died.  There were ones I couldn't save, no matter how much love or water I have them (maybe too much water in some cases).  Those flowers were not meant to be, but they were mine for a while.  And they were beautiful while they lived.  Each petal, each leaf brought me so much joy and happiness.  There have been moments of frustration, panic, dread, and then the realization...this flower can't grow here.  So it died.  And I left it in the ground, stared at it daily, remembering the former beauty and...you know what?  I suck at metaphors.  The fucking flowers are dead and so are you.  I don't really give a shit about the dead flowers.  Flowers are replaceable.  Daughters are not. 
I don't know how to accept that you are gone or come to terms with it.  My counselor says I am not allowing myself to feel joy or happiness because of my guilt that you are gone while I am still here living, but it's not about me "allowing" myself to do anything.  I can't control my thoughts or feelings on missing you. 
Am I happy?  At times.  Yes, I can honestly say that at times I laugh and feel joy.  I am trying to get to a place where those times happen more frequently.
People try to console me by saying you're in heaven and it's a better place.  I don't want that consolation prize.  I want you here with me. I'm selfish like that. 
Maybe you knew it and God knows it (that you belonged to him and not me), but I don't want to accept that.  YOU BELONGED TO ME!  You belonged to Jack, Lilli, you Dad, Amber, Elijah and Lex, Big Mom, Memaw and PawPaw, Parker and Maranda...more people than I can name.  We needed you more than God needed you. 
And now I'm waiting for the lightening to strike me down, or for my computer to stop working (like you always make it do when I try to bash God).  But let me say it-let me get it out...YOU WERE MINE!  I am selfish and I want you here with us. 
I am so so so angry and I know you are disappointed in me saying you don't belong to God...that you don't belong in Heaven, but guess what?  I'm saying it anyway.  I'm the mom, that's why. 
It's not my guilt that keeps me unhappy, it's my anger.  I don't care how many flowers I plant-they aren't you and I can't bring you back and I am angry about it. 
I'm also a little bipolar tonight because I started writing and where I went with it was totally not the intention.  But I'm glad my thoughts led me to this anger...because it is apparently always simmering under the surface and I need to purge myself of it. 
What I wanted to tell you was that I miss you and I love you and I know our lives will go on.  They will never be the same, but they will go on and one day your memory will only bring joy.  What I found out during the course of writing this is that I am not a poet.  I can't write flowery (pardon the pun) shit.  So maybe this song can tell you-in nicer language- what I originally wanted to say.
It's not something I can picture...Me without you...
Picture
P.S  I love you more.

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5 Comments
anna
9/23/2015 03:49:05 am

I'm not a counselor, but, it feels a bit too soon to be telling you to let go of your anger and let yourself have happiness. I am confident that will come, Brandy. I am glad you are planting, I am glad you are watching things grow and not, I am glad you are getting your fingers in the dirt, and I am glad for your honest expression. I have lived long enough and worked with people enough to KNOW that that physical and emotional expression HAS to happen for you to not get stuck. I trust God with you. I am in tears as I read this, just hurting for you and with you. You and your children have gone through SO much. I weep for you and for them and I pray for you guys as well. That you, specifically, would feel a breeze on your face and know it is Gods, "I love you." He IS so near. He PROMISES to be close to the brokenhearted. Your anger doesn't change that. He IS with you and your anger is okay. For your sake, I am praying that, in time, the waves of it aren't so harsh and tossing, but you know what? Sometimes that just has to be what it is. Thanks for posting. I just wanted you to know I read it and in some small way, I am with you. You are not alone.

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Lori Ochs
9/23/2015 05:17:37 am

Anna couldn't have hit the nail on the head better! We know we can't take her place but we are always here for you guys!

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Karen Cook
9/23/2015 06:38:50 am

Me too. Me too.

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Stacy link
9/23/2015 07:37:13 am

I had to stop after the first paragraph but I will definitely finish this when I am not at work! Thinking about you sweet girl!

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Meagan
9/23/2015 10:14:31 am

I think the anger is the hardest part of the grieving process. Back in 2011 when my mom was murdered I got passed the hurt and sadness, eventually. But the anger is still there. Angry because she's never coming back.. I'm angry because I will never be able to hear her voice again or tell her I love her and that I did forgive her for her past mistakes.. I guess I feel guilty for not being able to say those things.. She died not knowing that I loved her.. I guess maybe I'm angry with myself? Angry that someone just took her life without a second thought. The anger isn't an all the time thing now. It comes sporadically. When I'm thinking about her or if I see a picture of her or when I see girls that still have their mom. It makes me jealous and that jealousy manifests into anger. Sigh. I think the guy that killed her is still in prison and I want to go see him and just ask him "why?" Maybe if I can just get an answer from him then maybe I can finally be free of the anger. I've had 4 and a half years to get through this grieving process. You've only had nearly 4 months. That's no where near long enough to get to where you can feel joy and happiness more often. Especially when those that hurt her and Maranda are still free. I pray for you every day and I know Noelle is watching all her loved ones and I bet she even leaves little signs that she's been there. ❤️

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